I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook’s ‘On This Day’ feature. Sometimes, it’ll show me a good memory that is fun to revisit. Other times, it’ll show me a not so great memory that I would have rather forgotten. These are usually tied to previous relationships. Once I see the memory, it’s hard not to go down a wormhole. A little Facebook walk down memory lane is exactly how this blog post came to be…
“You’re too much”…
Have you ever had someone make you feel like you were “too much” of something? Maybe you were too emotional or too needy. Too anxious or too distant. I know I have. In fact, I would say a majority of the people I have dated made me feel like I was too much of something.
When someone would tell me that I was being “too much”, it typically didn’t occur to me that they might be wrong. It was usually coming from someone that I cared about and trusted, which made me feel like what they were saying must be true. So, I would try my hardest to change myself and become less of whatever it was I was too much of. The problem with that was nothing changed… because I was never actually too much of anything.
You can’t change what isn’t true, right? Eventually, I learned that I was never too much of something, but that they didn’t appreciate or want to love me for the person that I am. I once dated a guy that constantly told me I was too emotional. Am I emotional? Absolutely. I’m the first to admit and be forthcoming about the fact that I am very emotional. Does that mean I am “too” emotional? Is there an threshold of being emotional that we are allowed to be? If so, apparently I’ve crossed it 😂
We’re all different, with varying limitations of being able to accept others’ emotions and personality traits. To one person, I definitely might be “too emotional” for them to handle. But to another person, I could be not emotional enough. Have you ever seen this quote:
It’s one of my favorites! The people who care and love you will never think you are too much. Well, they actually might (I know my friends would definitely tell you I can be a handful! haha), but even so, they accept that part about you. They’ll love you for the person you are through all of your too-muchness.
“You’re not enough”…
Have you ever had someone make you feel like you weren’t enough? Maybe you weren’t open enough or you weren’t easy-going enough. Yep, you guessed it – I certainly have been here before. Ironically, in addition to the majority of my relationships making me feel like I was too much of something, they also consistently made me feel like I was also never enough. A bit of a mindfuck, right?
And again, the problem was never that I wasn’t ‘enough’, I just wasn’t what they wanted. If someone is making you feel like you aren’t enough, the truth of the situation is likely that they’re feeling insecure about something inside themselves.
You are not too much, and you are enough
When it comes to my relationships, the “too much” and “not enough” feelings inevitably turned me trying to change and adjust to their wants and it turned into an vicious cycle. In some relationships, I was trying to please those who were telling me I was too much. In others, I was trying to please those who were telling me I wasn’t enough. It was a constant battle of being one thing for one person, but another thing for someone else.
The problem with trying to morph into a person that someone else wants you to be, is that your true self will eventually shine through. You can try as hard as you want to be someone other than who you are, but it won’t last for long. And nor should it. You should be exactly the person that you are. And the person you are with should love you for exactly that.
Another problem with trying to change yourself for someone else, is that inevitably you’re changing parts of yourself that other people actually love. In one of my relationships, I was changing things about myself to appease my significant other, but that in turn was affecting other relationships in my life. Ultimately, I wasn’t staying true to myself.
Looking back, I realize that I was never too much, nor was I not enough. I was me. And that just wasn’t a fit for some people. And that’s okay! You won’t be a great fit for every person you date or meet. The same as when other people won’t be a fit for you. It goes both ways. But no one should ever make you feel like the person you are isn’t good enough or that you should change (unless you want to change of course!).
Moving forward, I do my best to not let someone make me feel like I’m “too much” or “not enough”. I embrace who I am and if there’s something that I want to change, then I will. But I’m over the days of trying to change for someone else. I am over the days of feeling like I am ‘too much’ and also ‘not enough’.
For the right person, you will never be ‘too much’, and you will always be enough.
Have you ever been in a relationship like this? What did you to to overcome feeling like you weren’t enough or like you were too much?